Great Love

As a kid I remembered always being a bit more mature than all the kid's around me, at least for my age. It made my decision making easier, especially when it came to girls. My elementary years were my finest moments. I always played the dad in the family and all the girls had a crush on me and the boys wanted to be me. As I ventured off to middle school, it was the first time my Kwok Fu-shing haircut failed me and there were no longer girls screaming at my door. It sucked going to a new school where you had to met new friends. High School was the same, the unfamiliarity sucked at times. Though I was crushed on I never really gave anyone a chance, I just wasn't interested. I knew what I wanted. 

Then in my senior I had my first real girlfriend. My boy Rich Chang went to Bronx Science and he invited my to their senior ski trip. I had no expectation, no feelings, really. I remember when I first laid eye on Grace Wen, it was in front of 40 Rd. park while we were loading the bus. And then when I sat down in the back of the bus, I had my eyes peeled to the front as she approached her seat. I never felt the way I did about someone until I met her. She was beautiful, stunning and the connection we had for each other felt right. Nothing else ever did but she did. After 3 years of dating, amazing years and at times really tough, but 100% real. I heard the words "I don't see you in my future" and "I don't have the same feelings for you anymore, " from the one person I'd never wanted to hear say. It wasn't pain I felt. But a numbness and in that moment things didn't feel real and time stood still. Happiness was taken away from my senses. Shit really hurt and I loss all control. Feelings, reality, everything, especially her. I had dreams of suicide and every waking moment I just thought about her. It was a battle. A war that seemed like I wasn't ever going to win. I never felt I had enough in me, whatever it was and I was fight a losing battle. Finally 2 years later, the pain subdued and the sulking finally started to disappear. For a person that once couldn't imagine such pain, a feeling that felt like your heart was pumping blood through your system but the body wasn't reacting to the oxygen, that person had finally accepted the pain. Remorse was next. I was sorry, sorry to her, sorry that I couldn't be the best bf I could. And that was the only thing I ever wanted. I would have given everything for her but I wasn't the best I could be for her. It's been nearly 8 years since that day and almost 2 months before she gets married. As a mature man looking back, I realize that I wouldn't thank her for making my feel the way I did. But I want to thank her for giving me a chance, the chance to love and be loved. To hurt and learn from my mistakes. To take blame and cherish the things that seemed everlasting. My heart will always live with the great memories we shared and it has molded me into who am I today, good or evil. I learn that I will always care and I will always have love in my heart for her. And great love will always live with you until the end of day. But we weren't meant to be together, in that moment, in our lives.